As the knackered, dishevelled and skint parents of a newborn, it’s easy to take the easy option and blame the little one for a bunch of stuff. Fortunately, we mums and dads are better than tha… sorry, I can’t complete that sentence with a straight face. The truth is, from financial woes to love handles via poor timekeeping and dirty dishes, we parents are more than happy to lay the blame at our child’s nursery door. And to prove this, I’ve come up with a funny list of seven things all parents blame on the baby. Read, laugh, share, comment, point at the screen and acknowledge that you do that, you know the drill.
1. THEIR TARDINESS
This is parenting 101. Whenever you’re five, ten, 15 or 138 minutes late for a social engagement the reasons alter slightly (“we had to stop to change him”, “she was still feeding”, “he’s out of routine”, “poonami just as we went to leave the house” etc.), but the root problem is the same. The baby’s making us late, innit.
2. THE STATE OF THEIR HOUSE
“I’m telling you, Barbara. If it wasn’t for the little one, I’d be able to do all those DIY tasks I’ve been putting off since way before he was born, I’d actually find the time to put my plates in the dishwasher and this place would be sparkling.”
3. THEIR INABILITY TO MAKE A SOCIAL EVENT
Psst. Do you want to know a secret? Sometimes the baby is the reason we can’t make the party, wedding, house warming, gender reveal, baby shower etc. And sometimes we just say that, because we can’t be bothered going.
4. THEIR TIREDNESS
Although given a study of over 1,000 new parents found that mums and dads miss out on a whopping six months sleep during the first two years of their child’s life, this is what’s known as a fair cop.
5. THE FACT THEY HAVEN’T BEEN TO THE GYM FOR SIX MONTHS
Actually, make that seven months…
6. BURPS AND FARTS
At 40, you’d think I’d be mature enough to admit my own bodily functions. But no. A suspicious smell in the kitchen? A burp on the baby monitor? I don’t want to point fingers, but… it was DEFINITELY the baby.
7. THE FACT I’M WRITING THIS BLOG POST IN 35 MINUTES IN THE DARK, COMPLETELY ON EDGE IN CASE STRIKING THE RETURN KEY OR SPACE BAR CAUSES THE BABY TO WAKE UP, SENDING ME SPIRALLING INTO 45-MINUTE ‘PLEASE SLEEP’ BATTLE FEATURING LOTS OF NURSERY RHYME SINGING, SILENT ROCKING, ATTEMPTED BURPING, INTERNAL ‘YOU CAN DO IT’ PEP TALKS AND STAIR CLIMBING
Spoiler alert: it did. Twice.
Got all that? Great, then repeat after me. Don’t blame it on sunshine, don’t blame it on moonlight. Don’t blame it on good times, blame it on the baby.
Until next time…