Do you know your “I’m asleep, honest” from your “impossible to open jar”? You will soon, as Father Hood celebrates the parenting Oscars…
Did you know that I’m an actor, darlings? Of course, you didn’t. But I am, and so are you. Hold on. How can I possibly say this when you haven’t trod the boards since the lower school musical where your performance as the third torch bearer sent “shivers up the audience’s spine”?
I can say this, because you’re a parent. And, as a parent, your job involves love, sacrifice, teamwork, patience, lateral thinking, blood, sweat, tears and… …nailing the following performances.
1. The parenting fool
Pity the fool? Hardly. For the good of my son, I play him. Allow me to explain. Playing ‘the parenting fool’ involves you pretending to know nothing, so that your kid can hone their academic ability by correcting you. Practical examples include: deliberately getting the answers wrong while watching Blaze and the Monster Machines, calling a purple cup blue, claiming right is left and playing incorrect cards during a game of Fireman Sam Uno. And do you know what? I’m very good at all of them.
2. The straight face
To horrifically misquote Kipling:
“If you can keep a straight face when your toddler burps while you’re telling them off. If you can stay stoic when your kid sprays the shower in your husband or wife’s face. And if you can show not a hint of emotion when your child discovers how to say a rude word. Then yours is the soft play and everything that’s in it. And, which is more, you’ll win one of Father Hood’s parenting Oscars, my friend!”
3. The pretend to walk into an object
In eyes of just about every toddler, mum or dad suffering a potentially serious injury is the funniest thing that could happen in the world ever. On the downside, this means that we’re pretty much screwed if we do suffer a serious injury. On the upside, it means that we have an easy out every time our kid enters irrational screaming fit land.
Really? Yes, really. Whenever my son is stuck in one of those classic toddler shouting sessions, all I have to do is pick him up, walk a few steps, pretend to bang my head, knee or foot off a table or door and shout a variant of the word “ouchie”. What happens next? Simple. Bye-bye tantrum, ta-ta tears, hello uncontrollable laughter.
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4. The “I’m asleep, honest”
This daily parenting performance isn’t about laying down the law, stopping a strop or teaching your preschooler a valuable life lesson. It’s about conning your partner into getting up before you. And boy does it feel good when it works.
5. The “sure, let me check my diary and get back to you”
Picture the scene. A nursery car park, a parent looking to make friends, his son getting on with the child of a mother who is picking up at the same time, a “Hi, I’m Stuart” introduction, the suggestion of a “playdate”, a faux smile and a pause before the delivery of the killer blow. As in a punch or a knee to the ging-gang-goolies? No, as in the seemingly friendly words that the vast majority of people use when they have absolutely no intention of meeting up with someone. And these are? “Sure, let me check my diary and get back to you.”
6. The impossible to open jar
This parent acting essential can be performed in two ways. The first, and most popular, usage, sees mums and dads pretend that they aren’t strong enough to open a jar in a bid to stop their child eating something they don’t want them to eat (e.g. sugary jam, Nutella, daddy’s foot cream). And the second usage, sees parents make a jar seem impossible to open in a desperate bid to entertain their child when they’ve forgotten to charge the iPad before going to a bar or restaurant.
7. The “he’s two”
Show me a parent who claims that they have never scanned the price list of a soft play, museum, pop-up fairground or tourist attraction, spotted that under-3s get in free and claimed that their little one is “two”, and I’ll show you a liar.
Cut! Send down the curtain and start the wrap party because this funny post about Father Hood’s parenting Oscars is in the can.
I hope you enjoyed it and would love to read your 5-star reviews (or pertinent comments) below.
Until next time…