How do you get your sex life back on track after having a baby?

How do you get your sex life back on track after having a baby?

The internet forums differ, the posts are the same. Joe Dad and his partner used to have a great sex life, then they had a kid and everything changed. They presumed things would get back to normal in time, but they haven’t. So, Joe Dad is issuing a cry for help. Just how do you get your sex life back on track after having a baby?

The bad news is a gentleman does not kiss and tell. The good news is I’m not a gentleman. And the even better news is I recently attended an interactive sex workshop on getting the sex life you want after having kids. It took place at The Dadsnet’s DadCon 2019. It was run by Clinical Psychologist and Psychosexologist Dr Karen Gurney. And she revealed the following…

Having a baby is bad for your sex life

According to Dr Gurney, you have a 14% greater chance of having sex the day after you’ve had a good sleep. So, it’s little wonder that the vast majority of mums and dads are “unhappy” with their sex lives in the first year of being a parent.

Worse still, the pain doesn’t end at the 12-month mark. “Having kids under the age of five is associated with lower sexual satisfaction,” stated Dr Gurney. The two scraps of positivity? First, you are not alone, loads of couples experience this. Second, “If you can batten down the hatches and get through this period, then it will improve and your sex life could be phenomenal in five years,” said Dr Gurney.

Let’s talk about sex, daddy

I’m serious. Dr Gurney revealed that the ease at which a couple are able to talk to each other about sex is one of the key markers of sexual satisfaction. Well, don’t just sit there. Call your partner and chat S.E.X.

Getting your sex life back on track requires purposeful and intentional action

“Give sex the attention it needs,” instructed Dr Gurney. “Like exercise and diet, sex requires purposeful and intentional action, but few couples ever do this, because they are caught up in the notion that sex should just happen.”

So, um, how do you do this? Easy. Just like you do when you are trying to improve your diet or fitness, you sit down and you make a plan. “Work out where you want to be with your sex life and how you can get there,” explained Dr Gurney.

Don’t give each other the scraps

You know the best you? The one who chats with excitement on a variety of topics, tries to look good at all times and generally makes humans smile? If you want to get your sex life back on track, that’s the you that Dr Gurney wants you to be when you’re spending time with your partner.

Confused? Then let me put it slightly more bluntly. Put the crisp packet down, get off on the couch, pause the boxset and quit grunting about “how tired you are”, because nothing about this ‘comfortable and not really trying’ you is remotely sexy.

Dr Karen Gurney talks to dads about getting their sex life back on track after having a baby
Dr Karen Gurney talks to dads about getting their sex life back on track after having a baby at The Dadsnet’s DadCon 2019

Couples in long-term relationships need to aim for triggered desire

Remember the early days of your relationship when you and your partner would rip each other’s clothes off and have sex here, there and everywhere? Positively, they happened. Negatively, they are gone and they are never coming back.

“After a few years of being together, spontaneous desire should not be the goal,” advised Dr Gurney. “Instead, couples in long-term relationships need to aim for triggered desire.”

Which means? It means using a sexual stimuli like pornography (Dr Gurney recommends ethical adult film maker Erika Lust), being naked together, massages, touching, hugging and kissing to trigger our desire and turn each other on to the idea of sex.

Don’t always want sex

I appreciate that not wanting to have sex sounds counter-intuitive to the whole ‘get our sex life back on track’ plan, but please hear me, or more specifically, Dr Gurney out.

“To get the sex life you want, you need to be open for sexual stimuli without it going anywhere,” said Dr Gurney.

The reason for this is simple. If you only kiss, touch or cuddle your partner when you want sex, she will know what you want and feel high pressure that is highly likely to shut down her desire. BUT if you kiss, touch and cuddle your partner on a regular basis, without trying to make it lead to sex, then she will feel under less pressure and this will increase the likelihood of her sexual desire being triggered whenever you kiss, touch or cuddle her.

Interactive workshop over

Got all of that? Great, then what are you waiting for? Get home, do what Dr Gurney says and begin the process of getting your sex life back on track.

Until next time…


Dr Karen Gurney is Director of the Havelock Clinic. Stay updated with her work by following her on Instagram.

Leave a Reply