The Dad Test ft. Matt Coyne – a.k.a. Man vs. Baby

Sound the new feature klaxon! In a bid to assess the ‘dadliness’ of celebrity dads and big-name dad bloggers, I’ve created a fun, new Q&A called The Dad Test. Stepping up to the plate in week four: best-selling author of the hilarious parenting book Dummy*, writer of the recently released (and also hilarious) book Man vs. Toddler and hugely popular blogger Matt Coyne – a.k.a. Man vs. Baby.

Best-selling author Matt and his small human Charlie

Q1. Have you ever messed up a nappy change?

“Many, many times. In my first book, Dummy, I categorised the various nappy disasters – from ‘The Phantom’ to ‘The Hermit’ to ‘The Expressionist’.  Personally, my biggest nightmare was a version of ‘The Lure-Shit’. Those are the ones where they wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder. It’s the baby equivalent of the thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive, and Charlie did it to me in a service station on the M62, when I didn’t have enough wipes or a change of clothes for EITHER of us. I still have nightmares.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q2. What’s your go-to dad outfit?

“Dressing gown, T-shirt and pants. It’s a look I like to call ‘putting the bins out’.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q3. Have you ever got stuck in a soft play?

“Yes, there’s a story about this in the new book Man vs. Toddler. Basically, I went down a slide that was only for toddlers, only to get to the bottom and discover that the only way out was through a flap. A flap designed for people under three feet tall. The horror of having to be cut out of the toddler ball pool at ‘Cheeky Monkeys’ in Leeds was not one of my finer moments.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q4. Without looking at the internet, what are the words to Wind the Bobbin Up?

“Easy! This was Charlie’s jam for about a year. Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up, pull, pull, clap, clap, clap. Wind it back again, wind it back again, pull, pull, clap, clap, clap.

“It’s the most tedious mind-numbing song ever. Thankfully, since then he’s discovered AC/DC and ’80s hip-hop like Doug E. Fresh and Eric B. & Rakim.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q5. Have you ever smelt poo and realised that it was on you?

“Let’s just say I once spent five minutes trying unsuccessfully to unlock my iPhone using Touch ID before I became aware that I’d got shit on my finger.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Matt’s new book Man vs. Toddler is out now

Q6. Have you ever gone to work/out with milk stains on you?

“Absolutely. I’m always suspicious of parents who are wearing clean clothes or have brushed their hair. I always assume they’ve got a nanny or put their kids in a cage or similar whilst they get ready. I’ve had worse than milk stains too…”

Go on…

“You’d be forgiven for thinking that being unable to unlock your phone because you have shit on your finger would be THE low point for any parent, but it actually isn’t mine.

“For a while Charlie used to play a game that he thought was hilarious. He would run into the bathroom whilst I was standing there taking a leak, close the toilet lid and then run away laughing, leaving me to try desperately to stop mid-flow while peeing on to the closed lid, and being splash-backed by my own urine. One time, I forgot that he had done this and wore the jeans that had been soaked for the following two days. I suddenly remembered when I was in a queue to buy a scone in a Marks & Spencer café, and the couple in front of us began discussing whether they could smell piss.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q7. Have you ever won a school sports day race?

“No, I was always the kid at the back wondering what the point was. I did win a space hopper race at Butlin’s Skegness when I was about 6? Does that count? Disclaimer: there was only two other competitors, my younger sister and an impressively drunk middle-aged woman called Joy.”
Dadliness rating: 0

Q8. What’s the worst substance you’ve ever had to clean out of the back of your car?

“Probably breast milk. I was feeding Charlie expressed milk in the back of the car while Lyns nipped into a shop.  He booted it out of my hand and it went everywhere, it was dripping from the ceiling and everything. It was also the hottest spring week on record, so it ripened over the next few days to create a smell that was like the devil’s arsehole. In the end, we just sold the car.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q9. Have you ever been injured in the line of dad duty?

“Aside from the daily eye pokes and headbutts to the balls, I chipped my front tooth on a ceramic Finding Nemo money box. Charlie wanted to show it to me, and he did so by dropping it on my face.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Matt wondering how Charlie is going to injure him next

Q10. Have you ever voluntarily chosen to watch a children’s cartoon when your kid isn’t there?

“Usually not voluntarily. I often slowly come to my senses hours after Charlie’s gone to bed, only to realise I’m still watching PAW Patrol on a continuous lobotomising loop. That said, I’ll happily watch great cartoons like the new Danger Mouse or Captain Underpants – I’m not a sophisticated fella.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q11. Tell us your best dad joke

“I used to circumcise elephants at the zoo. The money wasn’t great, but the tips were enormous.”
Dadliness rating: 1

Q12. Can you draw a dinosaur?

A dinosaur with a yoyo by Matt Coyne

Father Hood says: Excellent teeth, impressively defined toes, bent knees, a curved tail and a yoyo – what’s not to like?
Dadliness rating: 1

Final ‘dadliness’ score

Side-splitting nappy, urine, soft play and breast milk stories drive Matt to a table-topping 11 points in The Dad Test. His latest book, Man vs. Toddler is out now, published by Wildfire. Buy it here*, then check out his website and follow his social media pages via the links below.

Website: man-vs-baby.co.uk
Facebook: facebook.com/manversusbaby
Twitter: twitter.com/mattcoyney
Insta: instagram.com/manversusbaby

The Dad Test leaderboard

Matt Coyne – A.K.A. Man vs. Baby 11
Daddy Poppins 9
Diary of the Dad 8
Four Seasons Dad 8

Next week: it’s DIY Daddy‘s turn to take on The Dad Test.

*As an Amazon Associate, Father-Hood.co.uk earns from qualifying purchases.

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