9 jobs parenting inadvertently trains you to do
At around 2am this morning, I was woken from a deep sleep and instructed to change my son’s bedsheets. What followed was not pretty. I walked into walls, I dropped pillowcases, I got lost in the duvet cover and I had to restart the process six or seven times.
“Son, I can see you’re upset, but we’re here for you, so let’s try to work through the issues and not do anything rash, okay? Good. Now, mummy and daddy regret opening the packet of crisps for you and have a question. Will you stop screaming, pull your trousers up and descend from the car roof for a hug and a still unopened packet of Pom-Bears? No? Okay, how about a hug, a still unopened packet of Pom-Bears and an also unopened fruit shoot? Still no? A hug, a still unopened packet of Pom-Bears, an also unopened fruit shoot and daddy’s phone? Deal? Excellent. I’ll source the merchandise, you sort your trousers and mummy will get you down.”
2. Lie detector
Police departments! Why spend loads of money on a fancy polygraph machine, when you can employ mums and dads who spend their whole lives investigating whether the explanation they are hearing accurately summarises what went on, or is their child’s imaginative interpretation of the truth?
3. Getaway driver
The clock reads 11.53 am, giving you seven minutes to drop your kid and partner off at a swimming lesson, and then another 15 minutes to get to your meeting/lunch/doctor’s appointment on the other side of town. There’s only one thing for it. Buckle up your seat belts, put on daddy’s Baby Driver playlist and refrain from eating any snacks, because things are about to get real.
4. Holiday rep
As a holiday rep, your job requires you to zone out the naysayers, ignore the drunken idiots, forget about the people asking for their money back, disregard your personal issues and maintain the facade of happiness until you clock off, go home and cry in the shower.
As a parent driving your family on a long car journey, your job requires you to zone out the crying and shouting, ignore the variety of liquids seeping into the back seat, forget about the really crucial comforter you left at home, disregard the 4-mile long traffic jam and maintain the facade of happiness until you reach your destination, go the toilet and hide.
5. Treadstone Program assassin
To misquote Jason Bourne: “I can tell you the exact location of the four exits my son could potentially run out of. I can tell you that one radiator is hot enough to scold a child and the cup of coffee sitting on the table at the back right of the dance floor is a little too close to the edge. I know the party entertainer’s sound system features the sharpest edge in the room and that if my kid starts moving to his right I have three seconds to get to the bowl of gummy sweets before he does. Now why would I know that? How can I know that when I’m so tired I can’t even spell my own name?”
6. Cat burglar
Yes, yes, I hate crime like the rest of you. But, illegal or not, if you can extricate yourself from the bed of a sleeping toddler, make it across the land of soft, squeaky toys, bypass the creaky floorboards and sneak out the door without waking your kid up, then I’m almost certain that you could earn a pretty penny in the cat burgling industry.
7. Shoe salesperson
Picture the scene. You’re in Clarks, you have your ticket and you’ve managed to stop your kid destroying the place, wetting themselves or sprinting out the door in the 20 minutes you’ve been waiting. FINALLY, your number comes up. You get your little one’s feet measured and discover that, as per usual, the shop only has one pair that you even semi-like in his or her size. Do you say “thanks, but no thanks” and head for another branch to repeat the process? No, you do not. You sell the colour, features and soles of those shoes to your kid as if your life depended on it.
Wait a second – is this really a job? Well, I’ve seen experiences where you “get chased around a warehouse by zombies” advertised on my Facebook feed, so I am pretty sure that someone, somewhere is securing a bit of cash by getting themselves made up to look like one of the flesh-craving undead. This is good news for them, but it’s even better news for us. Why? Simple. As sleep deprived parents, we wouldn’t need to sport any make-up or learn how to groan in a manner that suggested every single muscle in our body was aching, saving the organisers money and time and making us perfect for the role.
9. Food taster
Pick up spoon. Put in mouth. Digest. Shout service. Yup, this pesto pasta is ready to go, people.
So, there you have it. Those are the 9 jobs that I believe parenting has inadvertently trained me to do. Can you think of any other occupations that you’d knock out of the park due to having kids? If you can, please join the conversation by commenting below.
Until next time…