Parenting satire: dad makes bottle of formula milk at correct temperature, with right number of scoops

A Welsh father has put himself in pole position to be named Dad of the Year by making a bottle of formula milk at the correct temperature, with the right number of scoops. The 32-year-old, dad-of-one achieved the feat many parents believe to be impossible, while at home with his family on Sunday afternoon.

“I’m not sure what happened,” admits Carl Bennett. “First, I went to the kitchen and discovered that I had three pre-sterilised bottles ready to go. Then, I poured the hot water up to the correct level in the bottle without spilling any over the side. Then, for the first time in ages, I successfully counted to seven scoops without second guessing myself and having to start the process all over again at around the four or five mark.”

After replacing the filter, teat and lid without compromising the sterilisation process, Mr Bennett shook the bottle to remove any lumps. Then, it was time to test the temperature of the formula milk on the inside of his wrist. “I closed my ease, gritted my teeth and waited to feel the usual burn,” he recalls. 

But it never came. Instead of cascading out like molten lava, the formula milk drops warmed his wrist like a soothing morning shower. “At this point, I realised that I was on the verge of something special,” reveals the IT specialist. “But I also knew that the greatest test was still to come.”

The greatest test

Mr Bennett walked into the living room and placed the bottle on the side table, before picking up his son and getting him into the feeding position. It was go time. The Welshman removed the bottle’s lid, put the teat to his son’s mouth and… …no screams, no reflux, no rejection, nothing. “All we could hear was satisfied slurping,” he smiles. “My son finished the bottle quickly, burped efficiently and my wife said, ‘well done’.”

The Welshman was in parenting dreamland, and rightly so. According to the Formula Milk Lobby (FML), the odds of a parent successfully achieving all of the above, at the first time of asking, are around 75,000,000-1.

“I can fully believe that,” says Mr Bennett. “I know that I’ve never come close before and have ruined every bottle since.”

 

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