A middle-aged man who woke up with a splitting headache, memory loss and an unusually high level of self-loathing, has been diagnosed with a classic case of dad drinking.
The incident began at around 7pm on Thursday evening when the father-of-two met up with an old friend who he hadn’t seen for ages. Initially, things were relatively calm, but as the night progressed, the dad began to act less and less like a man with responsibilities.
“It was just supposed to be a quick catch-up,” admitted the 38-year-old stay-at-home-dad, who is believed to have changed out of cargo shorts for the occasion. “I told my wife that I would have two pints and then catch the 9.34pm train, but this plan swiftly unravelled when my friend suggested staying for a third.
“Boys’ holidays, a few pints after work, lie ins, playing team sport, watching films, sitting on the sofa with my hands in my shorts doing absolutely nothing… when that third pint hit my lips, all these memories came flooding back. It was like my youth had been let out of a cage and was refusing to go back in. Pretty soon, I was buying another round. And then another. And then another.”
The man, who according to his family’s weekly wall planner was due to wake the kids up at 7am, feed them breakfast, get them dressed and then drop them off at school, then made the incredible decision to “look for somewhere livelier”, telling the taxi driver to “take them where the cool students go”.
By now, it was after 11pm and the man’s wife was concerned that he’d done the same thing he always does when he goes dad drinking.
“When the phone rang just before midnight I feared the worst,” she revealed. “Sure enough, he burst into an out-of-tune rendition of Wonderwall before telling me that he loved me, was booking a trip to Ibiza with the lads and had only had a couple.”
At this point, the working mum initiated the globally recognised dad drinking evacuation protocol by texting her partner’s old friend with the words: “Sorry about Dave, please put him in a cab.”
Half an hour later, the dad bundled through the front door carrying a half-eaten pizza and singing “you and I are gonna live forever”. He then went to the toilet, where he spent 25 minutes pressing the wrong buttons on Facebook before falling face first into bed.
“I hate myself so much right now and definitely won’t do it again,” wallowed the dad the following morning.
“Yes, you will,” sighed his wife. “Yes, you will.”