Inspiration can strike at bizarre times. Like when you are sniffing your child’s backside at the side of a swimming pool in Ibiza on a sunny Friday afternoon, for example. There I was doing our standard 3pm poo check, when it hit me: as a parent, you end up doing loads of things that are actually pretty creepy when you sit down and think about it.
And with that, my latest funny parenting list was born. Over the course of its lifespan, the Father-Hood Midweek List has poked fun at the things I do more as a parent, found humour in the emotions every parent goes through during every long car journey and laughed long and hard at the things only parents know.
But as good as all these funny parenting list features are, they are in the past and we are in the present. And right now, my Midweek List is loading its arrow, taking back its bow and aiming to claim a direct hit in the heart of ‘5 slightly creepy things all parents do’.
Are you ready to find out what they are? Awesome, then here goes…
5 slightly creepy things all parents do
1. Sniff butts
Do you remember your first time? I sure do. It was in a shopping centre in North West London, I was under instruction from my wife and I did it as covertly as possible, because it felt so wrong. I mean, who could possibly think that shoving their nostrils into another human’s backside and inhaling heartily is okay?
Two-and-a-bit years on, the answer is me. That’s right, folks. My name is Father-Hood and I am a butt sniffer. I do it at least twice a day and I don’t even try to hide my intentions. I just grab my son, lift him high in the air and inhale whatever there is to be inhaled.
And do you know what? People who’ve been there and done the whole parenting thing are completely okay with this, but every now and then I catch sight of a young, single person clocking me while I’m snorting my son’s bottom fumes. Their expressions range from astonishment to disgust, and their eyes scream two words: “gross” and “creepy”.
2. Eat dinner in the bathroom, sometimes in the dark
Once upon a time my wife and I used to ask for a table for two with a nice view when we were dining in a hotel. Now, we play rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to cram a sandwich into their gob while sitting on the side of the bath and who gets the joy of eating on the closed toilet.
But that’s not even the creepiest/worst bit of eating in a hotel as a parent. Oh no. The creepiest/worst bit comes when the noise of the fan that’s linked to the bathroom light wakes the baby up. At that point you have one option and one option alone: turn off the light and test your fine motor skills by dining in the dark. #Blessed
3. Ask a stranger if you can borrow some underwear
Note: by “stranger”, I mean random parent in the swimming pool changing room. By “underwear”, I mean a nappy. And by “borrow”, I mean strap it on my son until he does what he does best.
4. Sing nursery rhymes on the train, in shops and during meetings
I’d love to pretend that we live in a society where it is acceptable for a 37-year-old man to burst into a rendition of Wind The Bobbin Up when he’s standing in carriage G of the 08:46 to Caterham; sing Twinkle Twinkle when he’s trying to find the broccoli with the longest best before date; or croon Three Blind Mice when he’s attempting to convince his boss to follow his Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Pinterest feeds. But judging by the looks and responses I’ve received, we’ve got a fair way to go yet.
5. Watch another human sleeping
Full disclosure: whether it’s in the flesh or through the baby monitor, I love watching my son sleep. He just looks so cute and peaceful and happy and content. Plus, unlike his mother, he doesn’t yet possess the vocabulary to wake up, eye me up and down and say: “What are you doing you, weirdo?”
While we’re on the subject of sleeping, it’s time for me to down tools and put this week’s funny parenting list to bed. If you enjoyed it, please like, share, check out my other funny parenting list features and all that jazz. If you didn’t, please pretend you did.
Until next time…