No, your eyes are not deceiving you. After a break of nearly four months, the infamous Father-Hood.co.uk midweek list franchise is indeed back. OMG, how exciting! This must mean that Father Hood has thought of more hilarious listicles to add to his side splitting back catalogue that includes 17 things I do more since becoming a parent, 9 things that make parents scream and 13 things I’ve learned about baby clothes.
It does. But that’s not the only reason I’ve brought this franchise back from its gap year in Bali. Oh no. I’ve also been issued a challenge by the parent blogger who simply does not sleep. I am of course talking about the venerable Daddy Poppins.
When this man isn’t looking after his children, he’s flooding the world wide web with dad jokes. And when he’s not doing either of those things, he can be found eating biscuits, watching rugby, posting Instagram stories and bringing the parent blogging community together with bizarre GIFs or post-based challenges (yes, all at the same time). The latest of these challenges saw him dare a bunch of parenting writers to produce a list feature titled “10 things that really get my goat”*.
Over the last few days, the others writers have done theirs and now it’s my turn to do the business. So, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, please behold my midweek list of 10 things that really get my goat.
1. My son never crying for me
Grandpa? Tick, my son cried for him all of Monday. Nano? Tick tick, my son screams for her whenever Mummy isn’t around. Mummy? Tick tick tick, my son wails for her pretty much 24/7. Daddy? Um, well, come on little man, I’m waiting and I have been for two long years.
“You guys have a great relationship and I’m sure he does it when you’re not around,” assures my wife, before getting annoyed at me for getting annoyed about it. She’s definitely right about the first part and probably right about the second, but still. It hurts.
2. Parenting guilt
Am I working too much? Am I spending too much time with my son? Should we shorten his days at nursery? Am I allowed to enjoy myself when my kid isn’t around? C’mon parenting, get off my back and give me a break.
3. Nursery fees
Over £1,000 a month and we have to bring in our own wipes and nappies? Why the British pre-school system you really are spoiling us.
4. People smoking when they are with their children
Please ladies and gents, give their lungs a chance.
5. Facebook’s bots
Given all the hate in this world, you’d think Mark Zuckerberg’s high tech artificial intelligence team might have better things to do than ban me from promoting my articles for sharing this satirical post about a man who managed to please his wife and son at the same time. But no. According to the automatons, it’s fake news, so I am a persona non grata. Oh, and to rub salt in to my wounds, the bots don’t appear to have informed the marketing department, so Facebook keeps sending me emails with subject lines like “promote your business to grow your business”. UNSUBSCRIBE!
It’s just a really annoying time. And one that, thanks to my son’s blatant disregard for humanity’s need to sleep, my wife and I see far too often.
7. The amount of sugar in a Petit Filous
You think you’ve found a healthy snack that your kid actually likes and then… boom! You look at the label and discover it’s got more than 4.5g of sugar in every pot. I have no idea how the makers sleep at night, although I imagine it’s a damn sight better than my kid after he’s mainlined two pots.
8. The price of family holidays
“Sorry Janet, for a second I thought you said £4,300 for a week in a self-catering apartment in Portugal and return flights from London to Faro on Ryanair.”
9. Scotland’s national sports teams
Rugby, cricket, football, I don’t care what you play. For once, could you please, please, please, just give your long-suffering supporters a lousy, boring, dull victory instead of glorious failure?
10. The fact no-one reads my blog
To paraphrase Chumbawamba, “I get knocked down (every time I post a well-written, interesting and funny article and it gets less than 50 views), but I get up again (to post another well-written, interesting and funny article that gets less than 50 views). You are never gonna keep me down (although sometimes I do read some of the crap other bloggers post that gets loads of views and retweets and think, ‘The game’s a bogey, why am I doing this to myself?’).
P.S. genuine request: if you did enjoy this article or any of the others on my site, please help to spread the word, by sharing it.
Aaaaannndddd…. stop the clock. Challenge complete. Poppins appeased. Nursery calling, most likely about fees, so Father Hood is out. See you next post :-).
*Actual challenge title slightly more sweary, but this is a family website and it was pretty easy to source free pics of a goat.