What is it?
‘The pub’ is a colloquial name for a public house, which is an establishment that is possesses a licence to serve alcohol. It’s also the place where seven times out of ten you’ll find an AWOL daddy.
How much does it cost?
The good news is it’s free to get in. The bad news is the charges ramp up from there. Still, provided you bring something for the baby to eat and don’t get overexcited, you should get away with a total booze and grub spend of under £20.
What’s good about it?
The alcohol, duh. But also the live sport, comfy seats, companionship and memories. This is more than just a pint of cooking lager and a microwaved fish pie. It’s a trip back in time to the world you used to inhabit before baby existed.
What’s bad about it?
Unless you pick a baby-friendly public house or get lucky with sleeping times, your offspring is going to have to either sit patiently in a high chair (good luck with that) or make their own fun (even more luck with that). No matter how much you stress the ‘educational value’ of baby being exposed to ‘such a wide spectrum of society’, the venue is unlikely to go down well with your better half. Evening sessions are prohibited by the fact most pubs chuck babies out at 7 or 8pm. And finally, no matter what time you go, the likelihood of finding someone emptying their bowels in the disabled toilet/baby change is pretty high.
How’s the hygiene?
God help you and your child if you’re heading to high street pub with a patterned carpet. High-end gastro establishments, on the other hand, tend to be pretty clean. Until your baby chucks their food, the menu, your drink, crisp packets and a variety of other objects everywhere, obviously.
Is it worth a second date?
Given the above, the logical answer is no. But what man thinks logically when it comes to the pub? Not this one. So, yes, baby and I will be back. And next time we’ll bring more wipes.