I hear you, brother. Of all the afflictions that have befallen our bubster since his birth teething is without a doubt the most befuddling. This is partly because it’s an internal struggle and partly because every parenting book I’ve read just doesn’t seem to get my plight. I understand why this is. It’s because these manuals are catch-all tomes designed to provide a generic overview of parental trials and tribulations. Thus they are duty bound to use generic expressions like ‘some babies may seen an increase in drool’ and ‘pain levels vary from child to child’.
Happily, I don’t have to play by these rules. So here is my undiluted, personal view of the teething roller coaster.
STAGE ONE: Drool
How many bibs can one kid go through in the one day? Given there was basically a waterfall of water tumbling from our tot’s mouth the answer is more than you could possibly imagine. To the local supermarket, quick. And don’t forget to shove some Vaseline in your basket – it stopped our little one getting a rash on his chinny, chin chin.
STAGE TWO: Pain
And we are talking relentless ‘just not themselves during the day’ and ‘just not going to sleep for more than 30 minutes at night’ pain. It’s as fun as it sounds. The only way we managed to get any peace was adopting a regime that involved Calpol every six hours and teething gel every two or three.
STAGE THREE: Clinginess
Fellow dads, you know all that progress you’ve been making with your kid? It’s about to be wiped out in a hail of screams, nips and slaps. Don’t take it to heart. At times of peak pain, it seems mummy and only mummy will do.
STAGE FOUR: Side effects
Did anyone order some nappy rash, a mild fever, a sudden disinterest in food, localised pain and a runny nose to go with their child’s new teeth? Of course they didn’t, but it was the particularly feisty hand we were dealt. In terms of the nose, baby nasal spray worked a treat. When it came to the food, fruit purees that we’d kept in the fridge made it passed his lips when hot food and milk wouldn’t. In terms of the pain, Calpol was again the saviour. And in terms of the nappy rash, since all the treatment creams did was make his butt redder and his mood darker, we found ourselves going back to basics and washing him in the sink the moment he’d peed or pooped. This, along with some Bepanthen nappy rash prevention cream, eventually solved the issue.
STAGE FIVE: Biting
Who needs teething keys when you our little man had daddy’s fingers, mummy’s shoulder, the table, the cot, all your toys, supermarket trolleys, any prop given out at a baby class and a bunch of other things to tuck his teeth into?
STAGE SIX: Peace
Phew, it’s over. Baby has got his front teeth at the top and bottom. Let’s celebrate, as the rest of this teething journey is bound to be a walk in the park in comparison with what’s just gone on.
STAGE SEVEN: Realisation
Oh crap, it’s not over. More teeth are coming and it’s anything but a walk in the park. Return to stage one and do not pass go.
STAGE EIGHT: Contemplation
Just how many teeth do babies get? Sadly, the answer is 20 and the pain can continue until the age of three. Conclusion? You bring the ear plugs and I’ll bring the wine.
Until next time…